CBR

It should be obvious to everyone based on my work and the indepth reporting of TSM, whether or not you are familiar with the millie tarry, their lingo and their tactics that Western Northern Carolina has been hit by Domestic Tear Your Ism using CBR.

Chemical
Biological
Radiological

We Upons.

Its SO obvious it’s like getting poked in the eye by a freight train.

So, while there is hand wringing about, OY! Putin and the Nooks punk band MIGHT unleash the Hushy Boom on the Ukeleleans! This is hometown, homestyle weather wharf air that delivered not just one aspect of Scare The Chilren! DUCK & COVER! but ALL THREE NICELY PACKAGED IN ONE GO!

Where’s HolmeLand Insecurity?
Where the are supposed to be: Protecting Mother Is Ra EL the HOMELAND.

Part of that protection comes from FEMA being folded into DHS is for FEMA to run the Duck, Dodge, and Hide of making-believe that some strategist with the cunning of Beelzebub hadn’t thought up on the toilet, then brought the idea to the Smoke Filled Room:

Hey, Chief? I think that we can hit them Johnny Reb Hillfolk with a Shitload of weapons that they can never recover from, and we can pretend that it is all an Act of God and ‘Natural’.

Yes, My Minion. We’re all pointy-ears to hear your plan.

If we use the Climinator 3000 and have some goy punk kid run the joystick for ritual purity and one-degree of separation from Us, to steer a Hurricane over three states

Then hit the Larry The Cable Guy Amplifier button to Blow ‘er Up Real Good! making it GAIN strength over land…

yes? YES???

AND we can say that it was a thousand-year flood…

YES??? YES!!!!

of BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS!

[hushed satisfied sighs, and head and horn nodding]

AND !!!!

There’s more?

Yes, Dark Lords, there’s MUCH MORE! We can also open all of the flood gates on the dams to send a FORTY-FOOT HIGH WALL OF WATER THROUGH THE ENTIRE AREA — no? — what? — is something wrong?

[Hasatan himself waving his hand in a NO manner with an agitated tail twitch]

THIRTY-NINE foot high wall…

Yes, My Lord. Three times Thirteen. Our masonic minions will smile with glee! We could call them our Glee Club!

[Sardonic hideous laughter fills the caverns of Hell. You din’t think that the “Smoke Filled Room” was from a bunch of old Whiteys in three piece suits - did you? Although Scratch does like his Havanas.]

Ahhhh… but Bubby, we have a long history - you and I,

[Says Satan with the low rumble sounding exactly like Smaug from The Hobbit]

so I KNOW that you are holding out on the best part…

[Twirls his moustache and flicks his tail impatiently]

Tell us Beezer! Tell us!

[The other Denizens of Hell demanded. Beezebub looks down in fake contrition with a shit-eating grin on his carapace]

Remember how I said we could use a SHITLOAD of weapons?

Yes? YES???

Well,

[Beezer leans forward and gets all conspiratorial. All of the other Lords of Darkness hunker towards him.]

With that much water pouring across the land it will cause all of the sewage systems and private septic systems —

AND CESSPOOLS?

Yes Azariel Angel of Death. AND Cesspools —

I just love a nice dip in a Cesspool at the end of the day!

— it will cause all of those sources of filth —

You ARE the Lord of the Flies! I KNEW there would be shit in there somewhere!

[Bubby blushed if that is possible for a red-devil]

All of that shit running downhill will not only get the Hillbillies sick but any of those bleeding hearts that come out to help them. But that’s not all!

[One of the ancient Dark Lords cries out in the Darkness]

Too much! Too much — excitement! Where are my heart pills?

We’re out of dessicated heart-pills, Lord Chaos…

Then bring me some Damned Souls! I guess I’ll have to settle for fresh…

[Evil Concierge goes to fetch some Damned Souls from the Lake of Fire]

Go slow Bubby…

[Agitated hand-waving by Chaos]

… but keep going…

[urging him on]

Well, the bonus is that the water will permeate everything with sewage, but you know - and this will make Azariel happy - there will be uncounted bodies floating in the water too! We can call on the Demons with the Names of Diseases to make merry with the wind and the water and the soil.

This is brilliant My Son. I’m so proud of you.

Well, pride was your downfall, Father…

That’s no lie.

Which is odd for the Father Of Lies.

[Maniacal laughter reverberates on the metamorphic walls.]

But I’M NOT DONE…

What? WHAT?

[Chaos is clutching his chest.]

You know how the Watchers taught Man about chemistry?

You mean: Alkymy?

Yes, same thing but they wear white now instead of black…

[Some of the members shuddered]

Well, we pre-planned with them DECADES AGO to have chemical FACTORIES along side the rivers so that they could poison the water as it sluiced down and carry it not only through the target zone but across the entire state to the ocean.

[sobbing]

Is everything OK, father?

[more hand-waving to go on by Satan who is verklempt]

OH MY GOD!

[Concierge enters the room with fistfulls of still-beating hearts]

Chaos is on the floor passed out!

Quick give him his heart pills!

[Chaos is manipulated upright so that he can hear the rest of the plan]

We thought we lost you Old Boy!

We’ll you know it’s just too much. Back in my day a single disaster was enough to destroy the courage of men. But - these assaults one-after another - well… its like the pure genius of an orchestra of doom.

But Uncle Chaos — I’m not done…

MORE HEART PILLS !!!!

[Bubby leans forward as if making the closing on a corporate presentation, smiling with self-satisfaction that only a Demon in Hell could form.]

We got the wind, the water, the filth and corruption, the POISONS, but remember what our Watchers taught the militant humans about the very nature of Naure?

What? you mean —

The secrets of the Atom and Radiation.

NO! How can you work that in?

We’ll those crafty humans are just about as devious and Evil as us…

Bite your tongue!

I do every day… But they have this thing called CBR.

Cerberus? They’ve got our Hell Hound?

No, silly. Uncle Hade’s pup is safe where he should be. They make up letters to mean things like: Chemical, Biological, and Radiological Weapons.

Oh… I LIKE the sound of that!

It’s almost musical.

Sounds like that beer that one of our puppets made for us up top.

That was PBR.

Oh.

He’s down here. Maybe he can brew some for us down here?

No chance in hell. Too hot.

We’ll have to ask Stroh’s. He advertised Fire-Brewed up top.

He’s down here too. This might just work!

Gentlemen! Gentlemen!

[Beelzebub called for order.]

Hey! Easy with the insults, sonny. You don’t have to be so rude.

I had to get your attention. The best is yet to come!

HEART PILLS!!!

To recap: Wind, Water, Pestilence —

So exciting!

— Poison, —

Sounds like a Spell !

— And… RADIATION!

[Sound of Chaos hitting the floor again, reverberating throughout the caverns of Hell. Slight work-stoppage when the Damned tried to figure out what happened. Dead Quiet. Then, slowly the whips and moaning and screaming started up again. Satan breathed a sigh of relief that things went back to ‘normal’.]

See the other thing that we got these creatures to do for us is build their poison plants and their nuclear facilities RIGHT ON THE RIVER.

That is just so odd. I like a good dreg of poison like the rest of us, but those humans are so frail. How could they be so stupid as to put their waste right into where they drink?

That would be Uncle Delerium’s doing.

[Bubby praised his other elder relative towards the back of the conference. Delerium shrugged.]

Oy - it was nothing…

You’re too modest Uncle.

Oooo. That’s disgusting!

He’s just kidding. Just look at Dele’s smirk. He’s the furthest thing from modest!

That’s devilish!

Why thank you!

Uhhh-humm… so the nuclear plants were set up on purpose so that there was a STOREHOUSE of metal poisons that DOUBLE as radioactive sources.

Fiendish!

Brilliant!

Deviant!

Exquisite!

How many of you know much about the nature of Nature?

You mean - radiation? We left that to The Watchers.

Well, my dear family: Uranium is a particularly nasty poison.

Back to Posion? How charming!

It’s what the humans call a heavy metal.

As heavy and as poisonous as Gold?

[Pluto asked from his chair carved into the rock.]

Mmmm…. I would rank them about equally, but like Demons - we’re all bad ass it’s just that we have different specialties.

Isn’t that the truth?

Eeew. Do you HAVE to use that word?

So…. when the wind and water and soil and poison and death and corruption and RADIATION mix in the water… it completes what the human soldiers call CBR. Chemical Biological and Radiological weapons so that EVERYTHING WE EVER PLANNED TO DO TO TAKE OVER THE SURFACE TO MAKE IT OUR NEW HOME IS ALL DONE IN ONE FELL SWOOP!

[Cheers, catcalls, demonic screams that made even the Damned’s skin crawl.]

But the best part —

What?

Heart pills….

[It was a fading whimper from Poor Old Chaos.]

— is that the Radiation half life of Uranium is 4.47 BILLION YEARS!

[Silence. Awkward Silence.]

Well…

uh… yeah… that’s not very long…

Half Life?

yeah…

Gentlemen…

Easy with that, we’re not idiots!

After close to five BILLION years only HALF of it will be gone. It will STILL BE TOXIC POISON AND IT WILL STILL BE RADIOACTIVE BUT ONLY ONE-QUARTER WILL BE LEFT.

[Murmers and pursed lips and head cocking like it wasn’t too bad.]

After five BILLION MORE years, half of that will be gone but it will still be Hot as Hell !

Hmmm. A Billion here, a Billion there, after a vhile you’re talking about some real time…

You get it, Uncle Mammon!

Vell, it’s numbers. Just sayin’…

And then, Uncle…what happens next?

Vell, next you’re left vith an eighth, then a sixteenth, then a turty-second and your still only havf vey there to the goal!

Sounds like torture. You never really get to zero?

No, uncle Aries.

And its toxic and radioactive the whole time until it decays?

Yes, uncle Aries.

Shining Light of Lucifer, boy! That’s brilliant. And the humans thought this up all by themselves?

We’ll we helped a little.

[The entire conference and the very bowels of Hell exploded with roars of laughter and cheers and screams that made fingernails on the blackboard sound like symphonies. Beelzebub was carried on the shoulders of his fellows, occaisionally bumping his horns on stalagtites. He was paraded by his Uncles in front of The Damned who were forced to bow to him for such a incredible undertaking as had not been seen in Hell since Eternity began.]

[Flunky Public Relations demon, out of breath, with asbestos sheets bearing printing in dried black blood under his arm, runs up to Beelzebub]

Hey Uncle! Uncle! We’ve been working on those slogans that you wanted.
How’s this: From the River to the Sea the Southern States will be free for Blackrock. eh? ehhh?

[Beelzebub furrows his brow, looks stern, rubs his chin.]

You know, Pup. Connecting the southern states to what we’re doing in Canaan —

[P.R. Pup started looking concerned]

— is PURE GENIUS! It’s probably the best work you’ve ever done.

[P.R. Pup lets out his fetid breath in relief.]

It’s got to be the most chilling effect for those apes to realise that the whole planet is our War Theater. Uncle Aries will be proud. Any word on that new crop of Newscasters arriving any time soon?

They’re already here boss! That was GENIUS on your part to come up with that injection. They all took it to keep their jobs up top and BOOM! within a week they were falling like flies - and that is - after all - exactly what you are the Lord of - Lord!

Excellent. My new idea for torture is: 24-7 news reporting in Hell.

Hurts me just thinking abou it, Boss.

[Beelzebub looked cross-wise at his P.R. Pup with a look on his own face that just being around unrelenting news for all eternity, even as a demon, was going to be painful as well.]

What are we going to call the station?

Well…

[P.R. Pup bristled with excitement over his completed assignment.]

We’ve got so many TV and radio celebrities down here that we did a poll -

You didn’t — stick the pole — up — uh —

No. NO! nothing like that boss. P-O-L-L not P-O-L-E.

Oh… I’ll bet Vlad wasn’t too happy about that?

Well, you know, he’s got eternity to get over it. ANYWAY… we came up with the call sign of the station as HELL - Where it’s All Hell - All The Time!

[P.R. pup does jazz hands and demon face at his proud accomplishment.]

Damned Good. Damned Good. You’ve outdone yourself.