Tick, Tick, Dock

I woke up today after a fitful sleep, and went to the bathing room and rested my head on my forearm on the clothes hamper as I sat there and felt something on my forearm.

‘Twas a wood tick (aka dog tick) un-balloont with blood that doth crawleth upon my stem before it falleth to the floor. Whence cometh yon vampyric beastie that hath not yet sup upon my liquid esssence?

Couldest it have sojourned long from a pile of garments that I woreth beyond yonder doors? Had it hitchethed a ride upon my very frame to only crest at my pate by morning’s (OK it was damned near noon when I got up) light?

Thing of it is, Dear Reader is that we just got out of a drought here in ILL Annoyed. According to textbooks ticks are susceptible to dessication but each time that I had been afflicted by the little bitches (ONLY FEMALE insects drink blood to feed their eggs so I’m not being ticksogynist) it was during a drought. Legend is that they like to crawl up your entire body to attach at your head so I assume that is what it was TRYING to do but I have observed deflated ticks crawling over me as if they were assessing the territory but since I’m pretty much juiced with parasite herbs every week, my theory is that they are not finding anything that they smell to be palatable to stick their beaks into.

In order to have eliminated any possibility that it was my fault, I should have taken a shower after I came in from outside the day before, but I didn’t. So I have no idea how it got in and it was the only adult that I saw so bear in mind that you can’t often see Nymphs. The FIRST thing that I did was strip all of the bed clothes and my clothes and took a shower while washing the suspect linens in HOT WATER with BORAX DRY BLEACH and roasted them in the dryer as high as Congress would let it go.

In their unwiz dumb The Sanhedron has dictated the energy use of a dryer to the point where clothes do NOT get dry even at the highest setting (modern machines lowers the temperature as the timer counts down) for the longest time so you end up drying your clothes twice in the time that it takes a 40-year old machine to do TWO LOADS.

This is the only way to kill and cook the bastardettes.

It need not have hitchhiked due to my negligence because in droughts past I have seen ticks on the screen of the door hanging there as if they are sniffing the air for the source of the carbon dioxide that they are hunting so that they can suck the owner. Creepy - that. In the past I have dispatched wasps and ants with soapy water and essential oil within 30 seconds. I’ve flooded cockroaches and ticks with the same solution and often MANY TIMES for them to reply with: Did you say something? So I don’t know if I brought it in the house or if it invited itself in.

Vacuuming your sleeping area is another useful trick after the fact.

Had I been bitten I would have treated the bite wound with nascent iodine several times and taken black walnut tincture followed with a full round of parasite herbs.

I will still take the parasite herbs but a couple of us are proving some new homeopathic remedies against lyme on ourselves so I took the main remedy a second time in the off-chance that it was the remedy that warded of wee beastie from contaminating my sanguine fluids.

After having taken this new remedy once, I was shocked to have been in bed with no intermittant trips to ye olde watercloset for ELEVEN HOURS. That’s a record for me. Most people these days - young or olde - seem to be afflicted with the nocturnal trips to the Thomas Crapper Affair sometimes at 2-hour intervals, or 4,5, etc. before rising for the day. So ELEVEN HOURS without any bladder urgency is unusual but welcome. I’ve been over-working and it is taught by the US military that the only way to repay a sleep debt is with sleep. I was hoping for a repeat of that miracle but then Madame Dermacentor variabilis intefered so we will have to see if any of these conditions from long slumber to tick repellant are actions of the new homeopathy.

Needless to say (but I say it every time anyway) I have very little satisfaction in life so I took the tissue in which I had arrested yon tick and placed her gingerly in the lavatory bowl having procured a butane fire wand with which I smoketh her ass. Now I’ve cooked a good deal of ticks in my time just for the cruel joy of it but I have never seen a tick LAUNCH from the burning embers of la papier de la toillette and the full force of the Harry Potter Fire Wand like a piece of popcorn.

Surprising and satisfying all in one.

I hesitate to mention the crushed red ant that was on my other arm because although I do not abide Formicidaens in my abode I don’t revile them as much as ticks.

This is just a friendly reminder to be on the lookout since the US didn’t pay all that money to import Japanese specialists in dropping arachnids from the skies on their enemies and Not See scientists to grow Lyme at Plum Island via Project Paperclip to just allow nature to be cruel to us.

Be aware that Lyme can be transmitted by spiders, mosquitoes, ticks, mites, and every body fluid from a human. Your pets can reservoir the disease. This is why we are testing new remedies on ourselves to see if there is any relief from these Buy Oh Logical Wharf Air Agents that were unleashed uponeth us on porpoise.

Semper Vigilare